Sunday, January 31, 2021

Joan Smyth Iversen on the Presence and Absence of Romantic Love in Polygamous Marriages

  

The rejection of the ideology of romantic love was characteristic of many accounts of Mormon plural marriages. Some of the memoirs of plural wives revealed that they accepted marriage with a man whom they did not initially like. Mary Elizabeth Cox Lee recalled that she did not like Bishop Lee when he first proposed but married him a year later after following her mother’s advice to pray for guidance (Mary Elizabeth Cox Lee, “An Inspired Principle and a Remarkable Lady.” Mormon File, Huntington Library [microfilm]). Martha Spence Heywood (1812-1873) accepted her husband’s proposal although she had apparently been romantically interested in another man shortly before. She also noted that her husband possessed annoying qualities similar to her brother and that while he was a good man, he was not interesting (Juanita Brooks, ed., Not by Bread Alone: The Journal of Martha Spence Heywood, 1850-1856 [Salt Lake City, Utah State Historical Society, 1978], 36)!

 

There are examples of romantic bonding between husbands and wives in polygamy among the recollections of first marriages. Sarah Rich (1814-1893) recorded in her journal a marriage of destined, true love. She and her husband, though they had only corresponded, recognized each other at first sight and married only four months after their meeting (Journal of Sarah Rich. Mormon File, Huntington Library, San Marino CA, 19-20 [microfilm]). By contrast, courtship of a plural wife might be undertaken in the company of the first wife. On occasion, the first wife made the marriage proposal. Courtships of plural wives were often “short and direct,” to avoid the appearance of impropriety, i.e., married men chasing younger women (Stephanie Smith Goodson, “Plural Wives,” in Mormon Sisters, edited by Bushman, 99). One of the daughters of a polygamist family concluded that polygamists never knew the meaning of romantic love (As quoted in Young, Isn’t One Wife Enough?, 117).

 

This is not to say that there was not the love and affection in Mormon marriages. Plural wife Ellis Reynolds Shipp (1847-1939) confided to her diary that her husband of five years was her “dearest friend—companion of [her] inner soul.” Similarly, after many years of marriage, Mary Ann Freeze (1845-1912) was thrilled at the prospect of being able to celebrate her anniversary in the company of her husband (Ellis Reynolds Shipp, Diary, 9 May 1871, Utah Historical Society; Mary Ann Freeze, Diary, 8 March 1891, LDS Archies.). The histories of Mormon marriages contain many examples of love, loyalty, and extraordinary sacrifice. But the need to restrain jealousy and avoid exclusivity in plural marriage—the very nature of polygamy—of necessity required a detachment and emotional distance. Historian Lawrence Foster, commenting on the detachment required within plural marriage, noted that it was required of the men as well as the women (Lawrence Foster, Religion and Sexuality, 209-12). Brigham Young’s daughter reported that her father said that polygamy taught him to curb his temper but that it was not easy: “I have to walk carefully as if I was walking between bayonets” (As quoted in Susa Young Gates, “Woman Suffrage,” typescript [microfilm], reel 4. LDS Archives).

 

Zina D.H. Young (1821-1901), who was the plural wife of the late Joseph Smith and then Brigham Young, described the need for detachment when she observed that “a successful polygamous wife must regard her husband with indifference . . . [because] love we regard as a false sentiment; a feeling which should have no existence in polygamy” (As quoted in Richard S. Van Wagoner, Mormon Polygamy: A History [Salt Lake City: Signature Books, 1986], 102).  When her husband married a few plural wife, Mary Ann Freeze observed in her diary that she had no “sorrowful” feelings. Rather, she felt as if “it had been someone that was nothing to me” (Mary Ann Freeze, Diary, 29 April 1879). This evidence of emotional distancing emerges again and again in the sources. Ida Hunt Udall recalled how tense and careful she was on her wedding trip so that she would not make any gesture that might cause further unhappiness to the very reluctant first wife (Ellsworth, ed., Mormon Odyssey, 54).

 

In conclusion, while Mormon plural marriages certainly demonstrated affection and commitment, the record suggests that romantic love as the monogamous, exclusive, sexual relationship of a man and a woman could not be incorporated into the successful practice of plural marriage. Perhaps, as one historian observed, romantic love was a “salient feature of monogamy” and simply not adaptable to polygamy (Reymond Lee Munch, Sex and Marriage in Utopian Communities [Bloomington: Indiana University Press, 1973], 158-59). (Joan Smyth Iversen, The Antipolygamy Controversy in U.S. Women’s Movements, 1880-1925 [London: Routledge, 1997], 65-66)

 

Further Reading


Stephanie Coontz, Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage